Writing challenge day 7- do you read? What are your favorite books?

I can't choose a favorite, and yes I read but not lately tho with the cold weather that will change. I will do something I've done before tho, I'll write a sentence or two about a book I enjoyed.

I fell in love with four women who kept bees after I ran away from my abuvisive father. They were black, I was white and society couldn't see the beauty in them the way I could.

I took care of my insane mother after our father left us for the tomato girl, I found a mother in a phsycic but life never went back to the way it was.

I investigated a murder of a high society stay at home mom from the elite "mommy group", I was always the outsider but I solved the murder...

I was a man who worked nights and had to monitor office emails, through just reading the exchange of two womens emails I fell in love

I was a red headed firecracker at a new school in the 80's, depressed and lonely. I found love in a Asian outcast, but we all know first love doesn't last forever.

I was a young girl fighting against cancer, I found someone to connect with through the trials of it all, and together we found something bigger than anything we could ever love long enough to see...

So I've read a lot more than these books this year, in fact up until a few months ago I believe my number was around 33, but I can't remember them. I miss reading.

Thankfully thankful day 3

I'm thankful for my friends. I may not have many, but the three I have I wouldn't trade for the world. These two women brighten my day, lift me up when I'm down, and give me great advice. I have plenty of friends that are on the surface, but these three know the nitty gritty of me, they've always accepte me and my faults. Always given me love when I needed it, or just a really good laugh. We don't have to talk everyday for our relationships to work, and they are always understanding when I couldn't find the time to call.

My first friend has been in my life since we were eight, I'll never forget walking into third grade being the new girl and her jumping at the chance to show me around, if she hadn't I don't know where we'd be. We may not be super close now, but if either of us needs the other we have always dropped what we are doing without even being asked, and lended a hand. I know we will grow old and still have each other. Our weekly phone calls are always funny, and she will always set me straight when I'm "being a rug, don't take anythig lying down, you're better than that" I swear it comes out of her mouth a lot. She was my first friend. I love her crudeness, and her sense of humor. I'm glad she's in my life after teeny three years.

My second friend moved away a year ago, and keeping in touch has been tricky. I love that we can pick up right where we left off, or that we each "know" when the other needs us. It took a long time for me to let her in, her patience, kindess, and un-ending love pushed through and I'm glad it did. She always provides me with love, she always points out my accomplishments. She gives me strength when I don't have any, and snuggles me when I need a hug. She is the mom I want to be, so caring and kind, she treats everyone the same. I believe we are connected on a deeper level. We met when she moved next door to my parents house, and I always wonder what would have happened if she never stopped 10 years ago to ask the 9 month pregnant whale on the side of the road, what there was to do in town. Our kids loved each other and we've often planned Sierra, and ben's wedding. I miss her greatly but cherish our talks even more now, we always called them our therapy sessions, she's way beyond a therapist for sure.

And my last friend is saved for last. She has a special place in my heart. We get each other, I love her sarcastic sense of humor, and she understands my sensitivity. You wouldn't know it, but she's more sensitive than me. I love how she plays "devils advocate" and will always say it like it is. She keeps me grounded, and always gives me a good laugh, or can relate to me in a way that most people can't. I love our morning talks, and that our kids adore each other, each of my girls have a soft spot for "buddy". She has been there for me in some of the worst times over the past few years, and always listened. She has a kind heart, sometimes too generous, but that's why I love her. She teaches me, and helps me in more ways than I think she knows. Again I wonder what would have happened had I not called her four years ago, I'm so thankful to her for being my friend.

I may not have lots of friends I would trust with my life, but these ladies have stuck it out with me through thick and thin. I don't like calling them my best friends because that implies that others are not as loved, they are my dear friends. I'm thankful for our girl talks, and for each one of you. Thank you for supporting me, loving me, and putting up with me.

Thankfully thankful day 2

I'm thankful for getting housework done. It's a difficult task when you have three tornadoes (sometimes four if you count Stephen) rampaging through the house. There's no better feeling of accomplishment when you look around your house when it's clean, or have no clean laundry piled high waiting to be folded but instead wrinkles while it waits. I know it won't stay this way for long, but for now I'm thankful to look around and relax knowing it's all done.

Thankfully thankful day 1

Obviously I'm thankful for my family. I want to single each link in the chain that is my life.

Stephen- I'm thankful for his unconditional love. Whether I'm tripping over my feet, saying the wrong thing, or annoying him he never falters. He has a honesty with me that is commendable, will always point me in the right direction when I've lost my way, and always supports me in anything I do no matter how small. I'm thankful for his hugs, they always ground me when I'm off in my own little world of craziness, his kisses, and his too many "I love you's". He is my biggest support beam, the light that chases my darkness, and always makes me want to be a better person. I've never seen a more generous, kind hearted, sweet, thoughtful man. I'm thankful he is a big marshmallow with out girls, I'm thankful he plays with them, and teaches them "boy stuff" like my dad did with me, but will also join in on the girly stuff, too, again like my dad did with me. He is my everything, I couldn't be more thankful, or blessed for my Stephen.

Sierra- I'm thankful for her sensitivity, for her caring big heart. I'm thankful for her help with her sisters. I'm thankful for the lessons she teaches me in life, she doesn't even know how much I've learned from her. I'm thankful for her silliness, and her loud giggles. I'm thankful she still let's me hold her hand. I'm thankful for her bravery, and intelligence, for her individuality, and for her spunk. She is our shoulder to cry on, and the hug waiting for us when we need one. Sierra is one of the kindest, gentlest, old souls I've ever met, she brings so much love to our family. I'm thankful for my Sierra.

Chloe- I'm thankful for Chloe's ability to have fun with whatever she is doing. I'm thankful for the stories she tells, and her imagination, without them our lives would be boring and we certainly wouldn't be super hero's ;) I'm thankful for her humor, she is a light in this family, and always provides a laugh when we are feeling down. I'm thankful for Chloe's big gigantic heart, she doesn't show it as much but she's a very sensitive soul as well. I'm thankful for her sweetness, her big beautiful eyes, and the smiles she gives our readily. I'm thankful for her tiny hands, and how they're always holding  mine. I'm thankful for my little Chloe.

Allie- I'm thankful for allie's ability to surprise me everyday, the things she comes up with always leave me wondering if she's a genius or insane. I'm thankful that she has made our family complete, even tho it gets a little crazy since she arrived I can't imagine out lives without Allie girl in it. I'm thankful for the new phrases  she learns and repeats over and over. I'm thankful for her love of books, and even more so that she loves to snuggle up with me when we read them. I'm thankful for her spark, and energy (yes even when I'm exhausted) she has a amazing little personality that always keeps me going. I'm thankful for her sweetness, and concern when one of the girls or I are crying. I'm thankful for her giggles, and her loud feet slaps against the floor. I'm thankful for my Allie girl.

I'm thankful for my parents, on both sided. Each one of them offers good advice, and wisdom when I can't figure out what to do. I'm thankful for their guidance, and strength. I'm thankful that each of them have shown me how to be a better parent. I'm thankful that they help me when I can't find my way. I'm thankful for their love, and support through any avenue we've taken in our lives. I'm thankful for each of their humor, and their differences in personality, each of them bring a different dynamic to our lives. I'm thankful they love my girls as much as they do, and spoil them rotten. I'm just thankful for each one of them.

I'm thankful for my mema. I'm thankful for her southern accent, and her acceptance. I'm thankful for her phone calls, and for her scolding me when I swear. I'm thankful for her "hi bye and I love you's" she has shewn me the meaning of family doesn't lie in blood, but in love. I'm thankful for my mema.

Writing challenge day 6- what band or musician is important to you?

I don't even know where to start with this. Music itself is important to me, it helps me when I'm feeling down, it picks me up and as long as there's a good beat gets me shakin'! I grew up around all kinds of music, and a lot of my memories are shaped around the songs in the background.

The Judd's, Cher, Michael Bolton (go on and laugh) patsy cline, and heart are my mother. I can still get her to sing her heart out when "never" comes on.

Phill Collins, bread, bobby vee, van Morrison Robert Palmer, the Rolling Stones, aerosmith and tom petty is my dad. He always used to say, "it's our song" when "won't bak down" came on. For the longest time I thought he was saying I walked bak down.

David grey, matchbox 20, nirvana, christina agulera, brad paisley, Tim McGraw, and billy idol are Stephen. In fact there's too many songs tied into our memories together. One of the best is when we slow danced in the middle of the laundromat while Sierra was a newborn happily sleeping in her cars seat. David grey's "babalyn" was playing, this song meant a lot because two years before it, as he drove me home from one of our first dates he was mouthing the words "let go of your heart, let go of your head, and feel it" to me coaxing me to let go of my fears and plunge in with him. Best decision of my life.

Etta James, the Beatles,buckcherry the temptations, basically anything you'd hear on a oldies station (which is hard to come by unless you have pandora) is my old babysitter Linda. She always had oldies 99 playing in the summer while we swam in her pool, I remember feeling so happy listening to those songs, she would always say I was born in the wrong decade because I always loved that music. I still do, and now my girls do too. In fact one of their songs from me is "my girl"

Elton John, Michael Jackson, rob Stewart, a And anything on adult contemporary is Karen. My other mother, she gave me a love for soft rock, and the gift of switching the radio the exact same way my mind works-fast and no repeats.

Lady Gaga, Taylor swift, arrianna (don't know her last name) one direction, Maroon 5, anything pop is my girls. Dance parties are always had, and not only do they love today's hits but they have a love for the good old music I once listened to as a kid. They've heard it all, just like I did. They feel the shifts and pulls of each era, the melancholy, or the happiness, the instruments, the singing, the feeling from it all.

I cherish music, it is the foundation of my inner soul, and has always been a guidance for me. This challenge had started my day off on the right foot, music always does that for me.

Writing challenge day 5- 5 places you'd like to visit

You start to sweat, your heart is racing, and you can't catch a breath. Dizziness settles in, your fingers tingle the same way they would if your hand had fallen asleep, every noise is loud enough to make your ears hurt, every light is too bright. You can't focus, and you're sure that this is it, you're going to die. Instead of having a heart attack you realize it's a panic attack, and you've survived it. I've had agoraphobia since the age of 15, and up until about two years ago if I thought of traveling (just the thought) it could spark a panic in me so bad you would think I was actually doing the very thing that scared me-leaving home. Through hypnotherapy, a anxiety program, and a really good therapist I have overcome much of the anxiety and have been slowly traveling further and further away from home. So this challenge is near and dear to me, to dream of places I once was too scared to think of traveling is truly a gift because now I know I can get there. So here's my list-

1. Yellow stone national park, and to actually camp there. We love camping, and I love nature photography, this would be the best place for both scenery photos and wildlife shots.

2. Maine. In all my years living in New England I have never been there, but I want to badly.

3. The ocean with my girls. One of my focal points and goals the ought my journey through anxiety has always been the fantasy of watching my girls take their first steps into the ocean. My oldest has been there once, but not in the summer when it was warm enough to sink her toes in. I want to splash with them, smell the sea salt in their hair, and build amazing sand castles with them.

4. Alaska. Again I want to take amazing scenary shots there.

5. Anywhere where the water is aqua colored. I've always wanted to see the ocean this color, and stand on white sanded beaches. This has always been a dream of Stephen's too, and someday I know we will.

I don't dream of traveling out of the country, never really have. We have so much to see in the United States, someday I'd love to buy a RV and go on a journey with Stephen to see it all. It is our dream to do this when we are older, just the two of us. To see even the most mundane things like the largest ball of twine, or stand in the four corners all at once. Someday, and everyday is one step closer to my goals.

Writing challenge day 4- describe the meaning of your tumblr name

Sadly I don't have a tumbler name, because I don't use it or know what it is. I will however, describe the meaning of other user names.

MySpace (I don't even use tht anymore does anyone else?!) Junecleaver- I chose this name because I have always wanted to be like a 50's housewife, cookie cutter mommy.

Instagram- 3ladybugs83- I have three girls I call the ladybugs and 83 because that's the year I was born in

Facebook- just my name haha!

This was a silly challenge but it made me go back to my myspace and revisit old memories!

Writing challenge day 3- describe your day in detail

4:45am brings my eyes wide open. Here I am again, unable to sleep. As I strip myself out of my toddler's warm, sweaty brace I blow a kiss to my snoring husband and climb over the three baskets of clean laundry that has yet to be put away. I quietly, and ever so gently motion for my dog, leela to get out of the room, if I don't her wet nose will soon be jabbed in my husband's face making for a very grumpy day. As I wait for the lifeline that is coffee to brew I realize I still have last nights "blues clues" song stuck in my head, and I've been unconsciously humming it for how long? I'm not sure. I think, "god I'm pathetic" only I say it out loud and the dog cocks her head to the side.

I love the morning, I love how quiet my house is. I love turning on the heat, and waiting for the horrid bang, cough, sputter it makes as it comes to life. It's become a comfort to me. I gingerly take my first few sips, and contimplate my day. Sierra needs her wigwam project done soon, I need to pick up the rest of the supplies for both her, and Chloe's halloween party, and I have a hell of a lot of baking to do. The dogs need to go out, I rush to the door before they start barking and mauling me, because my efforts to keep quiet always fail. This is my time, my precious time, and if one of my 4 sleeping loves I may have to sedate them to get back to my wonderful alone time. Pinterest calls my name, and soon I'm lost in imaginary crafts I made with my own two hands displaying them around my luxurious house for all to see much like I did when I colored inside the lines and showed my mom.

A hour, a half full cup of cold coffee, and a sleepy self realizes it's been a hour and the little loves of my life are all waking. Me time is over. I throw breakfast at them, give the half dead husband a kiss goodbye, he's mastered waking up a whole ten minutes before shuffling off to work, and my day is in full swing. I chase Chloe (the five year old) with a bowl of Cheerios begging and pleading for her to eat, while the Allie (the two year old) attacks my leg like a rabid dog screaming with fat crocodile years streaming down her face, wanting to "hold me". I swing her onto my hip, throw clothes at the kids and get them ready for the bus that Chloe has exclaimed for the millionth time she wants to ride this morning. What a treat! I don't have to get dressed! Sierra (the nine year old), God love her has become self sufficient and only needs me to find her left shoe, a brush, and her homework all while throwing her legendary morning tantrum because she's "exahuuassteeed". I get the shoe, run a brush through her hair, notice Chloe isn't wearing underwear, get it on her, put allie's breakfast on her tray, and find the homework. They're out the door and the craziness has subsided. Until about thirty seconds later where the shrill sound of Chloe screaming comes raining through my house like a freight train. She "doesn't want to take the bus!!!" As she runs up the walk way the bus passes.

Without putting more suitable clothing on, (I should mention we live in a pretty upscale town) did I mention Allie now has syrup in her hair? And stained hand-me-down Mickey Jammie's on? This should be fun. I throw them all in the car muttering curses under my breath for being such a pushover, while Chloe now cries she doesn't want to go to school. Explaining the importance of kindergarten to a five year old is like trying to reason with a goldfish. It just doesn't happen. I pull up to the school, calmly I try to convince her of the greatness she's about to embark on while trying not to cry and scream myself. There are now seven cars behind me patiently waiting to drop their littles off in the very spot I'm blocking. As parents usher their kids in they start to watch as this little five year old throws the mother of all tantrums and I start to simultaneously rip my bed head out while banging it against the steering wheel. Finally I convince her that if she goes I'll take care of all her children when she grows up so she can sit quietly at home not having to deal with this. Did I mention I was out of the car by now? And the seven cars turned into nine with a mini bus waiting... Not my proudest moment.

I quickly run home and wash what I can of myself with a baby wipe, do the same to Allie. I quickly decide I don't have time to wash syrup hair, and opt for a pony tail. Her hair is insanely curly so it had the look of "something about Mary" and "frankensteins bride", thanks to all of this I am now late (as always) for the orthadontist, because to add insult to injury I am a 31 year old who needed braces for a incredible jaw problem that makes me feel like my head is imploding. Good times. Luckily the nurses there know what a lunatic I am. I'll spare you the details of that visit but it involved a "super chain" and a pair of pliers that hurt worse than giving birth.

It's lunchtime when we return from our morning errands, and today I decide we will eat healthy...until I open the fridge and see I need to go grocery shopping. PB&J it is! My poor husband comes home for lunch to a very grumpy wife who is in desperate need of a nap, and a hard drink. I make a note that I need to start drinking as Allie not only feeds the dogs the entire contents of her lunch but finds it funny to shower them with her milk. I try to carry on a conversation with him  about his work for the day while juggling anythig I can grab for a ten minute pick-up time before Allie is released from her high chair to just destroy it again. As he leaves I think to myself that I should take Allie for a walk, the fresh air will do us good. No sooner do I get her on the road does she start yelling at a fellow walker to watch out for a car that was a half mile away, yelling "you're gonna go to the hospital!", just doesn't sound right coming from a two year old.

After we find every pretty leaf we can I load her into the car to surprise Chloe, and pick her up early from school so we can enjoy the afternoon playing at the park. Sierra will be going to a play date before her choir practice, and poor Chloe is the middle child, that statement always fills me with guilt but what they say about the middle child is true, they get the short end of the stick. Plus, Chloe is short. Her teacher drops her off to me with new requests for the halloween party and pleads with me to come early to help for a parade that day. 18 kindergarteners being rangles while wearing costumes sounds like a good time to me! We head off with Chloe happily chirping away about her surprise park day. I give her and Allie a million under doggies, and tornado spins on the swings till my arms hurt, and we blissfully go home to a house that smells like baby poop. The dog has a certain craving for such things and feels the need to shred any diaper within sniffing radius. I clean again.

Allie needs a nap, but we have to pick Sierra and her friend up from choir practice, they rambunctiously get into the van and her friend says "your van is so messy!" , thanks kid. I drop her off and head home to start dinner only to realize for the second time, I need to go grocery shopping..leftovers! The husband returns from a hard days work to children fighting, mad chaos ensuing, and again a very grumpy wife who needs a drink...haven't started it yet, damn. I beg for a few minutes to run to the store for a few things, and praise him when he concedes that I "need a break", it was a lovely experience. Twenty minutes of no interruptions. They all eat while screaming at each other over who gets what cup we read a few halloween books, Allie needs to re-read "where's BOO hiding", and the knock knock part over a few thousand times.

Jammie's are handed out, faces are washed, teeth are brushed and bed time snuggles are given. Just as I sit down, ready to watch our favorite show with the love of my life (whom noticeably has been ignored throughout this story) Chloe comes out to announce she will not be going to school in a fit of tears. I console, I give love, Stephen puts her back to bed after singing her song "you are my sunshine" and we nestle in to "our time". Only it's not our time because Allie still sleeps with us and will not be retiring till we do. While we watch our show we alternate playing peek-a-boo, tinkle bug, coloring on out faces (not by choice believe me) and the famous "get me this, get me that game" till we are too tired to keep our eyes open, but early enough to feel old and lame. I digress, and settle in to sleep next to the stranger that is the love of my life, with promises of all the alone time we will ever want when the girls are older. He kisses me, rubs my back, and with a sigh slowly starts snoring beside me.

This is my life. It may seem mundane, and boring, but it is my crazy, comical life. Some days are great, and others not so much. I wouldn't change a thing, we are all a team, and the love that fills our house is contagious. I'm proud of my family, and of each individual piece that makes us a unit. Thank you for taking the time to read the novel of a blog post, sorry about the typos I'm too tired to re-read this.

Writing challenge 2- 10 things I love, and 10 things not so much

Obviously I love my family, and the easy stuff I could list so I'll put my own spin on this.

1. I love chai tea on a fall day, I always say it's like drinking fall in a cup. It reminds me of one of the dearest friends I've ever had. If you couple it with fuzzy sweats and a good book I'm in heaven.

2. I love the smell of my girls hair after they've played outside, I think it must be what the sun smells like. They often get annoyed with me for sticking my nose in their hair, but I never want to forget that smell do I breath it in as often as I can.

3. I love taking my socks off in bed, I can't do it before I get into bed, I have to take them off with my toes and relish in the soft blanket beneath them.

4. I love the feeling  of conditioner running out of my hair while showering, it is the sweetest cleanse.

5. I love the number 13, and anything in 3's. Sets of 3's, it's a obsession. My husband has even jumped on that band wagon, the main reason is "I love you" is 3 words, so 3 kisses, 3, squeezes, 3 anything can say I love you without saying it. The girls even do the 3's too. 13 is because I was born on the 13th, it's my lucky number haha.

6. I love to wrap up in a pile of my family, all snuggles up watching a good Disney movie. Those are some of my favorite times.

7. I love watching the sunrise, it always makes me feel closer to god and is often when I pray the most. Especially because I usually fall asleep while I'm praying at night. The sunrise offers a new beginning to me, so in that for me everyday is a new beginning.

8. Off the the sunrise I love full moons. The moonlight is enchanting, and magical. I love how the night gets lot up, and I love the crazy things it does to my body and those around me. I'm most emotional and will not sleep when the moon is full. As a child I practically lived at the nursing homes my mother worked at, and I will attest the full moon did crazy things to the residents.

9. I love Phil Collins. I love music, most of it surrounds me with memories of my parents, and brother. They each have their own musical artists I associate them with, and certain memories of mundane things we were doing while listening along. But Phil Collins was just for my dad and I, he gave me the gift of cranking up the part in "in the air tonight" when the drums go crazy, I will always air drum the crap out of that. I've passed the musical love to my girls and Stephen, even they do the drum part too.

10. This goes off the last one, the thing I think I love most is that whenever "dancing with myself" by billy idol comes on everyone in our family, (or whoever is visiting) has to stop what they are doing to dance to it. We all run and dance around each other, which is ironic since it's about dancing alone. I've always said I want that song played at my funeral, because since I was a baby dancing has been a huge love in my life.

Things that I don't like-

1. The smell of 90 weight, I can taste it when Stephen walks in the door with it covering him from a car he worked on. When I was pregnant he had to change at work before he was able to come in.

2. Living across the street from a busy business. I love people, and socializing, but when I'm having a bad day and going to my car while people are yelling across at me that "there sure a lot of toys in your yard, you should start a daycare" it's not something I want to hear and only makes me feel self conscious that my house looks dumpy.

3. Not being able to sleep in because my body won't let me. Gone are the days of wishing my kids would sleep in so I could start my day a little later. Now I'm up before the sun no matter how late I've gone to bed.

4. Judgement. Who likes to be judged? Unless your life is perfect don't judge anyone. It bothers me when it's me who's being judged or anyone else, you don't know their life, you don't own rights to it, so you should just learn to keep your opinions to yourself.

5. When people who are supposed to are about me talk behind my back. I understand venting but in situations where the relationship was fine, and I've been nothing but nice please watch what you say. People listen, people tell, and all you're doing is causing pain. It hurts.

6. Raking leaves. I love it for the first few swipes, and I love when the girls jump in piles. When my body is screaming and feels like the fires from the seventh ring of hell is coursing through my arms as they shake uncontrollably,I could do without it.

7. The bottoms of my pants getting wet from stepping on them, or my feet getting we with socks on. Not fun.

8. Revenge. You will only cause more problems, and hurt while seeking it.

9. Grudges. Let it go, the world is filled with so much goodness and love, a grudge can steal the wonderful, amazing person you are capable of being.

10. Not finishing what I started, this ties with  folding and putting laundry away. Both are not my favorites!

So this gives some insight to me a little more, now on to the next challenge!

Writing challenge day 1- Me

As she twirls and spins her brown curly hair flys around her face forming a mane of tangled dreams. Her mind is always working, to a fault. Dancing is her sweet obsession. Her life is full of love. When she was a child she dreamed of a life much like the one she lives today, in those dreams she never forsaw the happiness she would experience. Her family is the greatest accomplishment. When the wind blows the trees she tells her girls the noises they make as they wave is laughter because they're being tickled. She faces her fears head on. Music is her second love, it will change her outlook within the first few chords. She has faith in God. When she looks in the mirror she's trying very hard to see beauty. She loves holding hands, and bear hugs. Her guilty pleasure is listening to Cher like she used to with her mom as a child. She sings loudly. She's loud in every aspect of her life, especially when she's mad. She's sensitive. She loves waking up before her family, sipping warm coffee, and either reading or writing. Someday she wants to write something that helps at least one person. She cares too much if people like her or not, but is trying not to.

She can't lie, if she does most people can see right through her. She tries hard with everything she does. She starts things and doesn't always finish them. She can be passive aggressive because she never has the courage to stand up for herself or face confrontation. Her laughter is contagious, and again loud. Some perceive her kindness as a "act" but she's always been a genuinely nice person, and still believes every person has good inside of them. If you give her love she will flourish. She's a little crazy, and she likes it that way. A song lyric could be written about her, often her Facebook status consists of one. She often compares herself to others and reminds herself she's wonderful just the way she is. She will give you love and support till you feel suffocated. She will always be honest with you, and she will sugar coat things for fear of hurting feelings.

She is love. She is courage. She is friendly. She is weird. She can be depressed. She is anxiety. She is the robot dance on a Saturday night with her children. She is the kisses her husbands beard prickles on her face. She is warm baths. She is the imaginary friend. She is finger paintings. She is freshly baked cookies. She is her dogs shaking off the rain. She is a fizzy coke a cola. She is afraid of judgement. She prays often. She will splash a puddle even when her girls aren't around. She dances in the car. She will watch childrens movies with her husband, and again even when her girls aren't around. She tries to be selfless. She can be emotionally imature. She will listen. She relates. She wears her weaknesses on her sleeve.

Her family is her everything, this is all of me.

They were lessons learned

Your past doesn't define who you are today. Sure it helped you get to this point, but who you are is based on your actions. Giving the past that kind of power only robs you of your authentic self today. Often we worry about the choices we are making, and sadly if it was a mistake it's a hop, skip, and a jump to "well my mother didn't love me" or "it's a habit, I've done this my whole life" only you have the power to change the course of your life. Living with excuses, and entitlement will only get you so far. It's experiences that shape us. It's the mistakes. It's learning, always learning. Open minds. Open hearts. And when you make a mistake, or someone you love does, be quick to give yourself or them a break. The past should never be used as a weapon, as a tool you save in your bank to use again when convienantly, and revenge rules out against providing the proverbial low blow, just to gain a point in the "who's right game". When you love your life playing that game you'll quickly find yourself alone, unconditional love and acceptance is key in a healthy relationships, where grudges and judgment should be checked at the door.

We all have our hurts, and a quote I recently saw rang true for me, "you don't own the worlds problems". How true! To take a step out of our own lives and see the view around us, the beauty, and the ugly parts, and to truly feel empathy is a quality everyone should have. Empathy is a understanding of others feelings, sympathy is feeling sorry for others. I want empathy from others, I don't ever want a day to go by where anyone feels sorry for me, I just want others to feel what I've felt. To give compassion, stepping outside the box and truly seeing me. Personal experience has lead me to realize that victimized thinking is everywhere, and cynically I feel most people will never truly grasp the affect (negatively) they have on one another's life by a simple act of anger or resement. On the positive side, becoming at peace with myself I've found a way of channeling the bad energy and making room in my life both superficially, and spiritually for more love to be accepted. Rather than dwell on the hurt I've felt from being absolutely thrown away and betrayed in some of the worst ways (and believe me there was hurt I just had to move past it, and am still working on that) I'm focussing on not what's most important (I feel that statement is mean in it's own right since it takes away from those who at one point were or are important to you) but what gives me light in my life, and who I can give light to. My family. They deserve the best parts of me, and in that they love me for all the faulty mechanics I'm made of.

So in conclusion I've made mistakes in my life, I'm proud of every single one of them. I do not hide behind my past for pitty, or personal gain, I learn from it. I have not sought out revenge for things that happened long ago, if I had there would be a broken heart here or there that I couldn't live with myself over. I will continue to move forward, all that matters is the people who walk beside me during it all. I may make mistakes, but I certainly don't fake perfection, not one ounce of my life is fake, the open book I've allowed people to read has had a few chapters closed off to those who have used things against me, I have learned that I am worth standing up for, and not to trust so easily. I trust with all my heart, and forgive quickly, but after one too many breaks in that bond my trust has given out, and that doesn't make me a bad person. Once again, I've learned. The next time I hear something about myself I will continue to do as I have, forgive, not stoop down and join in as they have, and as always-hold my head high and proud. I'm proud to be me.

This and that

This fall has been spectacular! The leaves have hung around longer than any year I can remember, and the colors are amazing. Deep reds, orange, and yellows everywhere. I feel like this fall has been more special than we've had in years. We've made sure to do as many activities relating to the season as possible, and instead of putting up the halloweeny decorations with the harvest ones I waited. I love my little orange lights, I think that's what makes it so special, is the warm lights. Much like Christmas it just adds a little twinkle, a little shine of magic.

Today, and yesterday has been very warm, which is not very seasonable. I go through this phase of "fall cleaning" just like spring cleaning but in the fall. I've kinda lost my mojo for it tho, and I blame the summer feel coupled with rainy days. So today Allie girl and I have been snuggling and watching tv all morning. I love doing this with the kids, I know it's totally not productive or educational but I love lounging with them on the couch. My mom used to do this with me and watch Disney movies, they are some of my favorite memories, minus the part where Bambi's mom gets shot which still makes me cry to this day. I've been making lists for everything in my life lately because it feels good to cross things off, and because I need to organize my life a little more. You'd think with a house to run I would be better at it.

Anyway, the reason I wrote all of this is because Allie and I have alone time now, and it's exhilarating to see her as her own person. Without her big sisters here to talk for her, or do things for her. The independence she has is surprising. I don't see it as much with the bigs around. I love playing patty cake with her, and honestly just talking to her. One on one time with the girls is so important to both Stephen and I, and having Allie to pal around with, even if it's just cleaning or watching a movie has been so fun. She's still my baby but she's growing her own place in the world, and I'm trying to nurture her independenc but hold on to the babyness as long as I can. So today we wil play and clean, no naps because I don't want to miss anymore time with her than I have to, as I write this she's gobbling up the last of a watermelon-summers last gift to us. I'm so thankful for the seasons change, it brings out the best in all of us because I think that's when we change the most. I'm thankful for days like this when I can truly see my blessings, life is good.

If you told me...

In my 9 years of being a mother (10 if you count pregnancy) I have learned some things. Some good, and some not so good. There are things I never would have imagined, and things I had to learn from experience. This is a open letter to mothers,both new and experienced,  this is advice, and encouragement.

Dear mommies,
           Welcome to the club! Pull up a chair for the next five minutes (scratch that, just read a few minutes here and there between your breaks of endless screaming demands from your newborn, or the thousandth question from your toddler, or the help you're so desperately trying to give the older one with their homework etc.) and listen to my words. You're ok. You will be ok. You are not a bad mother. You are not a bad mother when you don't know what your baby wants, we aren't programmed like the women on tv to just "know" what your baby wants. It comes with time, and experience, and even then you still might not know. You are not a bad mother if you haven't bathed the baby after they puked because they finally fell asleep. You are not a bad mother if your laundry is piled to the ceiling, and you litterally have to crawl over it to finally get into bed. You are not a bad mother if there are dishes in the sink, and a questional substance encrusted onto the plates. You're just tired. You're tired because you stayed up rocking your baby. You're tired because you had to help finish a last minute project that was due the next day. You're tired because while helping that child you also needed to get baking done for the bake sale in the morning and you had to run to the store on 5 different trips because while you were there your children thought it the best time to ask the deepest of philosophical questions, or grabbed anything within a six inch radius. You are not going crazy.

          You're a good mom. There is no perfect mom, or perfect way to parent your littles. There's trial and error. When your five year old spits on their sibling or friend, and you're completely embarrassed by the looks other moms are giving you just know I've been there too. It doesn't mean they are destined to be a serial spitter, or a delinquent without a future. When other mothers whisper and diff at the miss matched socks, or unbrushed hair on you or your children, please understand that they too have been there, and somehwere along the way they mistakenly thought that putting down your abilities will some how make them feel better about theirs. When your house is trashed and you have a play date in a hour so you stuff whatever you can into a closet, a drawer, or a cabinet and buy cookies from the supermarket (gluten free of course!) placing them strategically on one of your plates and heating them five minutes before your guest will arrive so it looks like you're Betty freaking Crocker, I've been there.

      Don't beat yourself up, or hold yourself to a higher standard. What looks perfect on the outside, isn't. Don't judge, don't judge another parent in a way of thinking they're better than you, or worse. The competition of mommy life is never ending, and well just plain exhausting. As I tell my girls, there will always be someone better at something you do, and always worse, the only thing you need to worry about is if you're content with yourself. Give yourself a break. I know about the time you lock the door and cry, or steal a few minutes of loving with your husband while the kids pound like wild animals on the door. I know about the times you had to smell your laundry to make sure it was clean. I know about the times you thought of running away. I know about the times you checked your kids at night to make sure they were still breathing. I know about the time you sent your child to school thinking they were faking being sick only to get a call from a not so happy nurse to come and get them because they just puked, and subsequently sprinkled the hall with the aroma of rotten spaghetti that came out of the can the night before because you were too tired to make a "real" dinner.

         Love yourself. Your kids do. Celebrate small accomplishments like showering, or getting the kids out the door ON TIME! Celebrate the dinner you made. Celebrate coloring inside the lines while juggling fighting children. Celebrate snuggles with
the sick one on the couch when you should have
been getting other things done, or going to work. Celebrate working (if you do) and most of all celebrate yourself and any other mother out there. You both have it tough, but let's face it, you wouldn't trade a dirty face, sticky kiss, or crunchy hair for anything.

Look at the stars

As Allie and I sat outside tonight she kept saying "look at the stars mommy" sometimes I forget to. I bought her a tea set today and she has been having tea parties all day, even with our dog leela. Cute doesn't even describe it. Today I volunteered at the school making apple sauce with all the kids, it was super fun, and did wonders for me. As I was baking for the bake sale they're having tomorrow amidst all the crazyness and stress that I put myself under while doing such things, I realized I'm actually living the dream I always imagined for myself. I'm baking for a bake sale, as a little girl I dreamed of this day, of being a part of my childrens school, and being the cookie cutter mom.

Sure I'm not the picture perfect, squeaky clean mom I imagined for myself, but I'm doing it none the less. And I'm happy about it. It took that thought hitting me like a ton of bricks to calm down and just let it sink in. Very rarely do we get these moments in life, so I'm gonna save this one away for a rainy day. I joined back up with Facebook (hypocrite I know) and a mom on there was saying that she admires me, ME, I had to laugh. If she only knew she was one of the moms I often criticized myself about, one that I wished I was more like. It's strange the way other people view us, whether good or bad. And sad in a sense. But today I feel accomplished, and happy. My girls got their mom at their school, not just for a silly little party (that was about all I used to do) but as someone who was teaching them instead of their teachers doing it, and that felt good. I remember loving my mother being there with me during field trips, and wished she'd be a class mom, the war Sierra started kindergarten I became one. Sometimes it shocks me at how truly blessed I am. I need to keep this, and always be grateful.

Zumba steps

I took another step towards being a better me and joined a zumba class. It's perfect for me because I love shakin' what my momma gave me! We were cha chaing till our calves killed, all laughing with each other when one of us couldn't squat, or if we slipped in a puddle of our own sweat! It was freaking hot yesterday, and inside the place wheeee the class was held it felt like the heat was on. Anyway, in walks this cute old couple, who promy sit in these randomly placed couches in the back, I think they're just going to watch but I was greatly mistaken. Those two could move! I hope to god that's Stephen and I when we are older, it was the cutest thing!

So I had a blast. I had to team up with women I didn't know and dance in a circle with them and I just laughed the entire time. Everyone did. It was such a positive experience. The weird part is that this class is only in my town one Thursday a month, and I happened to go on the day it was here (I thought it was every Thursday) and while we were taking a break a beautiful rainbow appeared. I felt
Like it was a sign that I should be doing this. Sometimes I feel selfish if I do something for myself, or unworthy. In light of my self love, growth, change, discovery process I made sure to let that negativity go.

So if you get the chance, and want a fun but intense work out, join zumba. Just don't join my class because I make enough of a fool of myself, ha!

Pictures and a plug...

I think even at 31 years old I'm still growing up. Life can hurt, but so does growth and change. It's all part of the process. When things get too hard for me to handle I re-evaluate my life, and I always come to the same conclusion, that my life lies with my loves. If you've read my blog you know that I love photography, that I love telling a story through my pictures, that I want to touch people with a image. Much like my writing, I want people to take away something meaningful from it. I'm not used to being on the other side of the lens, unless you count a quick snap from my tripod as I sprint towards my family to get a shot as quickly as possible before they loose interest (which happens quickly) and that's it. Recently a friend (who's a professional photographer) took a photo shoot of our family, and it has been such a wonderful experience.

In life you are your own worst critic. I am normally someone that could point out my flaws within a milasecond. Whether inside or out. So when she offered to trade her services for Stephen I have to admit I put the shoot off for months, stringing her along because my self esteem relating to my outer appearance is little at best. I didn't want her seeing my imperfections up close and personal, and honestly I didn't want the reminder. But I wanted some beautiful pictures of my family, and I knew she would be the perfect person to do it. I obsessed over what we were going to wear down to the tiniest detail for quite some time, infanct more time than my deeper soul would like to admit to the superficiality of it all.

The day came and I went into it with the expectation that no one would cooperate (my loves do not like their pictures taken) that all I wanted was one picture of all of us and one good one of Stephen and I. She made it fun, she snapped away while miss Chloe was being more than difficult, while Allie ran around and went crazy, she caught it all. She saw my family for what we truly are. I let go of any expectations, and had fun with my family while she snapped away. I've been talking with her throughout the week and we'd go over what she got, there wasn't a doubt in my mind that they'd be wonderful.

When she showed me something she made for us out of the pictures I cried. I cried because of her kindness, because of the Beauty she captured, and because this is my life. Never in a million years would I have imagined my life being this way. Here we were in our own little bubble while a spectator snapped away, and what people on the outside see is no where near how amazing they truly are, but she got it. We had fun, we cuddled, we played, and she got it.

And the big growth for me, the thing I worried so much about, the thing that drags me down sometimes and secretly kills me a little inside, didn't appear. That little ugly girl never popped out at me, I saw a beautiful (yes, I used the word beautiful when describing myself, I think it's a first) mother/wife looking back at me. I saw three gorgeous girls and their phenomenal father playing with them. I saw love, I saw strength, I saw two best friends who created this wonderful life, I saw a amazing glimpse into our lives. I saw how blessed I am, how incredible my life has become.

This woman captured us in all our glory, she is a talent that needs to be discovered. What she did for us will remain forever now, but more so what she did for me, and my confidence can't even be described. She is a gem, and deserves that recognition. I want to say thank you to Miranda for so much more than just pictures, but for showing me my life in a new light. For showing me myself in a new light. Her patients with the girls, her technique, and her capabilities to handle whatever we threw at her (literally and figuratively) will forever be something we are greatful for. Even Stephen who hates (hates again) getting his pictures done teared up at the images and admitted that he was very happy we did this.   You can see her work at www.mirandastoddardphotography.blogspot.com and for the love of god contact her, book her now, you won't be dissapointed.

Zuccini and the apple

The crinkles under my feet. The wind against my face. The red and gold shower of beauty that falls all around me. These are the best days of autumn, a time where death overcomes to bring forth new life. A time for change, and growth. We harvest, and get ready to hunker down for the colder days. Hot cocoa days, warm blankets days, feety pajama days, my favorite days. Apple crisp warming in the oven, bringing forth the thought that the quote about smells sparking memories the most rings true. Apples are my dad. He loves anything apple, smells and tastes alike. We went to the orchard over the weekend, I know I posted this before but I have left over feelings of joy from it. I took a picture with my dad standing next to apple tree and wondered why we'd never done that while I was growing up. So many of my memories involve working with him in the orchards, or making apple pies.

It's memories like that, that just center around my dad that are a little more sweet. A little more brown sugar, which also makes me think of him. My mom is zuccini and my dad is apple. My parents have transformed into these amazing people right before my eyes. Growing up I never looked at them like they were people, they were just mom and dad, and of course dad knew everything. Now tho I see their vulnerabilities, I see their mistakes, I see them as people. As shocking as this can be we all hit a point in life where we see they aren't perfect. I think I've always seen that because we didn't have a classic "leave it to beaver" life, but after my dad had his heart attack something changed. He was never one to say I love you, and god forbid if he was wrong he never apologized or admitted it. He says I love you now, he says I'm sorry, and he says I'm proud of you. It means a little more coming from him. Not that my mothers opinion doesn't matter, it's just that for him you have to work for it.

I love seeing them together now. They were never lovey dovey, and if you know Stephen and I you know that we over do the lovey stuff, so seeing them come into a new light in their relationship makes my heart sing. They are so in sinc with each other, and I suppose they should be after being together for 25 years. I love seeing them help each other up, and picking on the other for being old. I love seeing them take care of each other, they treat each other preciously and sweetly. It's still a surprise to me to see it, but I can't say how happy it makes me. They've been through absolute hell and back, and showed me you can still come out swinging, so long as your holding hands with the one you love. They are a inspiration to me because they aren't perfect, but their love is. It is the exact example of what is, and always should be. I can't wait to see what Stephen and I will be like 10 years from now, I hope we will always be as lovey.

If it makes you happy...

On my journey to self discovery, and self love I am discovering that I always want to fix things, or to make other people happy. Sierra was crying the other day, and when I asked her why she told me she was upset because at the time everyone around her was grumpy. We were all having a off day, cooped up in the house, and on each others nerves. I said something to her that gave me a epiphany, I said "sweetie that's not possible. You can't make other people happy, it's up to them to make themselves happy. Sure you can do nice things to make them smile, or feel loved, but it's a heavy burden to carry when you try to make them happy. All you can do is be yourself, and be in charge of making yourself happy. If you are so busy trying to make others happy you won't have any time for your own happiness." How true is that? It just came out, and I think it was so easy for me to say because I could see her pain, and truly understand it because I do the same thing. I can't say how many times I tried super hard to make others happy and exhausted myself. So when she said "mommy, you must know a lot about this because I see you try to make all of us happy a lot, maybe you and I should work together on making ourselves happy." It hit me like a ton of bricks, we are one in the same. Always mindful of others, always making sure everyone is comfortable, included, loved, and we go out of our way to do these things so much that we miss out on things for ourselves. She's so conscious of other peoples feelings, it just makes me worry she's going to end up being burnt out. I hope she takes my advice to heart and starts acting a little bit more selfish.

Today after another great talk with the empowering woman (I will refer to her as that) she noticed I was exhausted, not so much physically (but believe me I am, after the weekend we had) but emotionally. I've been anchored down by this problem I've been having lately and inventing far too much time into it. She's helping me unravel the mess I've made of myself and slowly I'm taking steps to better myself, and truly love me. When I told her what was going on, and how I felt like I was 5 years old she explained to me that I was having a emotion. That I should diminish it, or apologize for being myself, that because I'm a sensitive soul I feel things more than others do, and that that's a good thing (she always tells me this but today her words stuck a little more). I've been running myself ragged trying to make people like me, or at least see me for me and not what one person has said about me, and she steered me on a path of "do you even like these people? Are they even worth your time? Or are you just so consumed with trying to make everything perfect that you've lost yourself?" It but the nail on the head. Things like what do I want out of this? Does this make ME happy? Will this benefit my life? Came into play. I never looked at any of this that way, but it's true.

When you have people who love you in your life, friends who love you, a warm home, and food you have all you need. For me sometimes I focus on the negative part of my life and stay ther because when I am happy I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop, for something to come along and mess it up. This is because I didn't have the best start at things, and no I'm not blaming how I am on who I was, I'm saying that I've fallen into a habit of thinking and preparing for the worst. Because if I stay prepared or if I focus on it, then I'm ready and can't get hurt, right?  In reality I'm robbing myself of my joy. Of my family. Of my life.

So I'm going to try very hard to redirect myself from the things that hurt me, I'm going to take care of myself and stop jumping through hoops to prove myself. If people don't see my good qualities, or want to believe what someone has told them, that's their choice. I won't belittle them, or say mean things in return, I'll send my love and be the best me I can be. I've turned a corner in letting things go, and not exploding. I've become calmer, and proven to myself that I can make it to the otherside, and the people who have been with me every step of the way are my unconditionals, the ones who deserve me. I'm not going to settle for anything less, and I'm going to stand up for me, take my own advice and work on myself. I am stronger than I realized, and with my people I can do anything I set my mind to.

Crazy crazy

There are some people in life that can bring you right back to being a child again. No matter how old you are. For me that's my parents, and any of my aunts, uncles, or cousins. The memories they stir up, and their recollections of the silly things you did always make me smile. My aunt is up visiting from conneticut, and tho our plans were squashed today we got a lot of quality time in, she's always been "the fun one" and always will be. My girls have taken to her like white on rice, and even shy Stephen gets all sorts of cracked up over my loud uncle mark. They're bikers, rowdy, and hilarious! Oh the things they come up with! Never a dull moment.

Today we were supposed to go to a parade and a festival in my town for it's 275th anniversary, it started out raining and cold. Allie had a fever so I dressed all the girls beyond warm, everyone was late. We saw most of it tho, and froze our butts off! Then my sister in law had a emergency so we took all of her 5 kids and waited at my house till she got back so we could enjoy the rest of the celebration. The kids played and we all talked, took a nice walk and found some vendors close by my house where I got the coolest tey dye stuff ever! We ended up missing most of it all, and my parents left. Stephen and the girls and I got characters done of us, which is something I did with my family every year for almost 10 years, they still have it on their wall to this day.

My aunt and uncle came back to our house where we set out to do our second annual pumpkin painting, we had a blast. Then we went out to dinner, and waited for fireworks, well they started them 15 minutes earlier than they were supposed to so we missed a bit of them. We all snuggled up and since it was my uncles birthday, and since he's such a card he kept yelling "happy birthday to me!" Everytime one would go off. We got a lot of looks because of him, but I'm loud too so everyone in my family is used to it. Allie girls fever came back and everyone is super tired.

It's funny how a day can change, even my horoscope warned me that the plans would change and to roll with it. And while I was upset that things didn't go the way they were supposed to, and that once again something better came along and took my place in certain areas, we made the best of it. We had fun, and didn't care what anyone thought of us making such a ruckus. I have to say I love my crazy family, and how right now I feel like I'm 5 again. I love that my girls get a piece of what I had growing up, and I love that they see me this way.

Just a little ladybug post

Parenting is hard. We all know that, but the rewards are priceless. Like when something you've been drilling in your kids head finally breaks through. Or when a stranger compliments you on their manners. The best ones are the compliments that come from your kiddos "mom you're the best mom ever" "I hope I'm just like you when I grow up" or the best statement ever "I love you mommy".

My girls are like glue, they stick together. I love their ages, I love the difference in them, and the bond they share. I hope and pray it stays this way. I can't even describe the pride I have when one is hurt or sad and the other consoles them. Or when one is at school and the other waits at the window for the bus to pull up. The love they have for each other is inspiring, they accept each other, and sure they fight but that's how you learn about each other.

I love when they play with each other, especially make believe. When they're playing with little people and pretend a little scenario. They are so dramatic, and shamefully they're usually acting me out in those scenes. But in those scenes the dad loves the mom, they kiss and hug and the kids always say "you do that too much" it's something they've said to is numerous times in real life. Or when they play hide and seek and the second they "know" where the other is but pretend not to just to see the other smile about their triumph in tricking them. When they jump out and yell "boo!" And act all scared it's so sweet.

These moments are precious, they are my favorite. Right now they're all sick, and the way they care for each other just melts my heart. I hope they always find solace in each other, even if that means one day I won't be included in it. I hope they reach out for each other in times of need, and that the other reciprocates in the same way they did when they were playing pretend. They are the true example of real love, and tho they don't know it, they teach me so much about life each day. Yes even the ones where I want to rip my head off.

Warrior woman

I'm at the point in my life where we are finished up having babies, I have to admit that when I was pregnant I felt like a warrior woman. Like I was capable of anything, as if I had super human strength. I did have super smell, and super boobs. I felt like a force to be reckoned  with. I don't think there has ever been a more powerful experience than when I was pregnant or having a baby, whether vaginally or by ceserean. I felt like I was at the very core of being a woman.

Now I'm searching for that feeling. I'm finding it in little ways by throwing myself into the kids, not that I haven't before but there was always a time where we were either planing to have another, trying, or full into a pregnancy, not to mention breast feeding. The hormonal roller coaster of it all was enough to really make me feel like a woman haha! I nurture my children, I get involved with their school either through the PTO or volunteering in their classes. I do little things like baking them a snack when they get home, helping with homework, or doing a fun craft. These are all the things I wanted as a little girl, all the big dreams I had for myself. I never knew what the aftermath of being a woman who would no longer feel the kick of a babies feet against her ribs would be. It's a hard realization when that's what my life mapped out mostly included. To say I'm missing it would be a understatement, I crave it. I'm lucky enough to have little ones so little that I can still rock them when I please. I find the same feeligs I get when they are cradled in my arms, or when they are in my lap looking at a book with me.

So to sum it up I'm on a path of finding myself, finding my place in this world as a woman. I'm getting to know myself, and always growing up. The cravings I have for the electric glow of carrying a child inside of me are coming out in facets of the girls lives. I am finding a great satisfaction in the new phases and experiences they are having and truly enjoying when we cross into a new one. If you asked me if I would ever get over not being able to carry a child again a year ago I wouldn't have a answer. Sure we wanted to be done, and the freedom that came with getting my tubes tied was a bridge that brought my husband and I closer than ever. But at the end of the day I had to find a way to make myself feel whole, content, and powerful within myself. I'm leaning about myself, just as a person. What I like, who I am, and where I want to be as the years pass on.

I want to be a good, loving mother
I want to be a nurturer
I want to be a loving wife
I want to help others
I want to like what I see in the mirror
I want to be independent
I want to be a good friend
I want to be content
I want to be authentic
I want to show love in all outlets of my life

I have a list in my mind of my goals, of each step along the way to the road of my content life. Most of those stepping stones consist of being a mother and a wife, which is a good thing since I'm a stay at home wife/mother. I am accepting parts of me that I don't like, and trying to better myself. Trying to be calm in situations where I'd usually loose it. I'm trying to be true to myself, and to others. I want to always better my life with Stephen, and our bond together. Through everything this life has thrown us we have made it through, together and stronger than before. It's always when I think it couldn't possibly get better between us that something comes along and shows me that it can.

So I'm on a mission of self discovery, in all avenues of me. So far I've succeeded in most ways it it will always need improvement. And I will always keep trying. We can never stop learning, and loving.

the road to happiness

I always say happiness is fleeting, that the goal is to be content in your life, and yourself. Often times I forget this and need a reminder. Today I took a step to my own happiness. I have been using Facebook for a long time, about 7 or 8 years. In that time I have missed out on little moments in my life because my face was blocked by a screen. My mind was on other things, checking in on people, and trying too hard to keep connections that should have been let go of after highschool. I'd walk away from it and think what a poor excuse for a mother/wife/friend/person I was. I'd compare my short comings in life and think I was lacking, always. It started to become something I did constantly. I started posting more and more things that just didn't need to be posted.

So I walked away. Yes scoff all you want but this was hard for me.I love reaching out to people. I love giving them love and support. I love seeing their children grow up. I love looking at people's pictures, and their lives. People watching from the safety of my home. I love knowing people care, recieving feedback, and support. It's nice to have a friendly hello when you really needed that. My photography was a huge confidence boost when I had literally 5people see a wedding I did and ask me for shoots. But is that really what I want right now? No. I wanted the life exerience, I wanted to show myself I could do it, and I did. This year I've done 11 shoots, something I never thought I was compitent in doing. I did it, and sure they aren't super fabulous, but they're ok. Each year I've set life goals for myself, and have been reaching them, this is such a growth for me.Anyway, my point is that while there is always something nice in keeping in contact with people, sometimes it's too much. Sometimes it's passive aressive (and I fully admit I can be that way as well, not proud of it) and sometimes down right nasty.

Today I loved my children, not that I hadn't before, but my phone wasn't right next to me.Today I took care of them while they were sick. Today I called a friend. Today I cooked a fabulous dinner. Today I read a little. Today I kissed my husband when he walked through the door without holding my finger up for a minute so I could read the latest meme, or ecard. Today I watched the leaves dance lazily down to the ground. Today I lived.

Not saying I haven't before but it feels like a weight has been lifted. I have to thank a friend for giving me this piece of advice. I feel so much better about myself, and am slowly letting go of the hurt, anger, and resentment towards myself. I'm letting go of a lot of things, and I'm feeling better and better about who I am. As always, One Step Closer...

Proud

I had a wonderful talk with a empowering woman today. She helped me remember where my heart is. That I am a kind, loving person who deserves love from all others. I encompass empathy like no other and maybe that's why it's easy for me to forgive, easy for me to let things go that others wouldn't. I often hide my feelings or use a  immature way of letting them out, but as I grow and better myself I can see that writing is my outlet. If words cannot be spoken for one reason or another I can release myself into a dribble of non sense that wraps around me like a warm blanket.

My girls often tell me that I'm their hero, and it holds me to a standard of grace and dignity for them. I am proud of myself and of all my accomplishments, and for the first time I have realized that doesn't mean conceit, it's ok to be proud. My photography is another outlet that has been there for me for the past 14 years, it goes hand and hand with my writing. I need it. I recently took some amazing shots that I would otherwise criticize, but I didn't. I did a good job, compared to what I've done in the years before I've come a long way. Stephen who often only sees a picture even saw the beauty in them, I love that they build me up and give me pride when I don't have any. But I love that I'm finding that on my own, that I can now validate myself as well.

I feel like I'm finally finding my way beyond being a mom and wife. I feel like I'm getting to know myself and actually liking what I find there. This is huge for me, I've always had very low self esteem. I'm setting a example of love and forgiveness for myself so that my girls will grow up to be confident, so that they won't doubt themselves at every turn. For once I feel strong, so today I'm truly proud to be me.

And so it goes

And when the road gets long and cold,
Home is where I'll be
When I'm feeling tired and alone,
They are all I see
When I'm broken and used,
Lonely and abused
They lift me up and give me peace,
They shine my light when I can't see
Tired of the days when I try so hard,
Just to be another one to discard
I hope it feels nice to push me down
To laugh and point while I drown
This isn't about me it's in their heart,
To rip me up and tear apart
My love can not be taken away
They turn color from the grey
I'm stronger than anyone knows
Can survive these nasty blows
I wipe the dust and keep going
Won't let my broken heart keep showing
My tears will not fall for this anymore
Soon I will feel it in my core
I delight in my loves embrace
Seeing trueness in their face
I am blessed beyond belief
And right now, that's my relief.

Just a quick tidbit

Today I'm reminded of how beautiful life is. New life coming in, new families created. Hopes, dreams. Life is good. Sometimes I forget how wonderful my life is. I am so blessed. My lovebug will be singing her heart out soon, and I can't wait to see her do it, she's wanted to for so long. I missed being home with them so much, I love that I get to be a bigger part of their lives again and know what's going on with them during their days. Ahhh how I've missed this, how I've needed it! Somedays, somedays, I love being a mother, today is certainly that day ❤️

Dreams

In the window of our world tiny fingers pull the blinds, and tiny hair pulls free in beautiful tendrils. Words are spoken in angelic voices, while the oldest reads winkin, blinkin, and nod. That wooden shoe and the moon are magic, eyes are alight with amazement. Sighs of satisfaction and sleep overcome, as their eyelashes gently kiss their cheeks. Their hair smells of flowers, the softest part of still baby hair. We kiss them away to their dreams, and finally can be free to do as we wish, this is our bedtime. A wonderful routine, and as we often try to make the transition as calmly and peacefully as possible, most nights are not so beautiful.

We savor these nights where our littles lay their sweetness down,  the nights where everything is perfect, because let's face it- life is not perfect. But today, tonight, is perfect. Sundays are by far my favorite day, as I've already stated, and the entire day yesterday was my magic. I'll keep it in my pocket, and pull it out when I forget these moments. I'll blanket myself in it's warmth and comfort, and relax peacefully into it. Because my life is so full of love, and one day when I don't get to witness the beauty and miracle of their dreams fluttering under their eyes because they're up at night watching their babies do the same, I'll treasure it.

Sunday

Sundays are my favorite day. Stephen works a lot, and often times when he gets home he's so tired we go to bed. But Sunday. Glorious Sunday! He has the day off! A day we can fill with giggles, adventure, and a kiss whenever I want one! Sure our business is right next door but I can't snuggle him whenever I want because that would be ackward for both the customers and his workers. So it's Sunday, the dy I wait all week for.

Today I'm supposed to shoot a birth. I'm elated that I was asked to do this, and beyond scared that I will mess it up and miss the great moment. My battery is charged, the memory card is awaiting pictures of a beautiful life gracing this earth with it's presence. I've been researching this and have often had dreams where I missed it. I didn't realize how excited I was until I woke up today with a cold (thank you girls) and thought she may not want me there. The mother is to excited to care and told me as long as I don't slobber on here we'd be fine. So everything's a go! Which means this Sunday will be spent at home, and with me being sick that's just fine with me. I cannot wait to see this little one come into the world, they don't know what it is but I've got a sneaking suspicion...

My littles are giggling away in their room, while daddy gets some much needed rest. The air is crisp and clean with fall just nipping away. I have my coffee, and positive affirmations firing on all cylinders this morning. My fall decorations are making my house seem extra cozy, the candles are constantly lot giving my house a wonderful combination of apples and cinnamon. I'm excited to work on our yearly fall wreath tho the rain might put a damper on that till I can dry the leaves that have already fallen and collected rain droplets amongst the ground. This time of year is my absolute favorite, from now until New Years the feeling of coziness is alive and living happily in my heart.

My dad has always loved this time of year, he baked apple pies, and when I was little he even worked in a apple orchard. I remember him taking his Nikon with him when we'd go for the harvest so he could get a good shot of a apple with few drops on it. I think I have that picture somewhere. He'd play Christmas music, or we'd come home and snuggle watching Christmas movies. I love that the Christmas spirit can get in you so early, but I try to hold off until after thanksgiving for it, not gonna lie tho I may have listened to melekemikiwaka last night. I've been snuggling with the girls watching hocus pocus and icabob and road lately. Fall crafts, and Apple crisp are in our future.

So there it is, a simple Sunday in a nutshell. Life is good, and amidst all of the hard times going around us lately, we get to cocoon ourselves for one day and block it out. Maybe we will even watch some fireworks tonight, to kick off the end of summer and the new beginnings fall brings us, like a clean slate. Just depends on when that little miracle decides to make his/her enterance into the most beautiful time of year.

How I love thee

Things I love about being a mom, a little bit of this and that from my crazy mind put out here for all of you to see.

Tiny fingers wrapped around one of mine. Giggles from the next room, and whispers when I walk in. I love that their bond now includes secrets from me, I will hate this when they are teens but at peat they look out for each other. Baking with them, even when I'm going nuts because they are going too fast and not measuring properly.  Dancing, and spinning in circles, especially when we dress up in our dresses just to watch them twirl around us. Smelling their hair. Checking on them when they're asleep, only to find that one of them is hanging off the bed because the other has taken up all the room (my oldest and middle daughters sleep together 😊) my middle child and I have our "secret telling" on out van rides. My oldest being so sensitive. My youngest running around naked.all.the.time. Quiet coffee breaks in the morning before their feet start slapping the floor. The sound of their feet on the floor. Being able to tell who it is by their foot steps. Watching them learn new things at school. Being a volunteer at their school (no joke I dreamt of this day as a little girl) sneaking kisses when I drop them off and not being offended that they are getting to a age where mom kissing them has become a embarrassment.

Things I love about my husband, and having the honor of not only being his wife, business partner, but also his best friend-

The raw passion we had before we had our ladybugs. The raw passion that still ignites so long as I'm well rested. When he sneaks bacon, or sandwich meat. When he dances with our girls. Holding hands. Always catching me when I fall and being my soft landing point. He's gorgeous. And I love that he doesn't even know it. When he tells me he heard a song that reminded him of me, and plays it for me. The way he teaches our girls to love "boy stuff" and has never complained that he never got a son, he's amazing with the girls. The way he plays dolls, or has tea parties with our girls, or when he has them help make breakfast on Sunday mornings. I love how he watched football and throws his hat at the tv when they do something he thinks he could do better. That he can fix anything. That he has loved me at my absolute worst, and never batted a eye lash at my faults. I love that he's honest with me about my faults. I love that he encourages me, lifts me up, comforts me, and never let's me fail at anything or give up. That he's my biggest fan, and that he will do anything to make me happy. I love how his breath smells after he's drank a glass of juice, and how he reminds me of a little boy when he falls asleep on our couch with his lips parted. I love that he understands my obsession with 3's and has even himself gotten OCD about it. I love how he helps me better myself, and how I want to be better for him. I love how he makes me feel about myself and how I feel like I'm the most beautiful woman in the world when he looks at me.

So there you have it. My family is pretty amazing, and without them I would be anything close to who I am today. They love me unconditionally, tey are my life and I love them more than these simple, few words can ever describe. Now you know a little more about me, hopefully I keep up with this blog because I really enjoy writing, and now I have a little more time and the knowledge that I can post from my phone since we don't have a computer. I may just have problems with posting pics, but I can handle that till we get a new one, and then I'll be able to share my photography 😊

Let's try this again...

I had a wonderful blog that I never kept up with before, and sadly deleted it. Never to return again, so here's this one. I'll work on it, and try do keep up with it, along with inviting you to share snip it's of my life. I'll worn you it's boring, but beautiful!