On my journey to self discovery, and self love I am discovering that I always want to fix things, or to make other people happy. Sierra was crying the other day, and when I asked her why she told me she was upset because at the time everyone around her was grumpy. We were all having a off day, cooped up in the house, and on each others nerves. I said something to her that gave me a epiphany, I said "sweetie that's not possible. You can't make other people happy, it's up to them to make themselves happy. Sure you can do nice things to make them smile, or feel loved, but it's a heavy burden to carry when you try to make them happy. All you can do is be yourself, and be in charge of making yourself happy. If you are so busy trying to make others happy you won't have any time for your own happiness." How true is that? It just came out, and I think it was so easy for me to say because I could see her pain, and truly understand it because I do the same thing. I can't say how many times I tried super hard to make others happy and exhausted myself. So when she said "mommy, you must know a lot about this because I see you try to make all of us happy a lot, maybe you and I should work together on making ourselves happy." It hit me like a ton of bricks, we are one in the same. Always mindful of others, always making sure everyone is comfortable, included, loved, and we go out of our way to do these things so much that we miss out on things for ourselves. She's so conscious of other peoples feelings, it just makes me worry she's going to end up being burnt out. I hope she takes my advice to heart and starts acting a little bit more selfish.
Today after another great talk with the empowering woman (I will refer to her as that) she noticed I was exhausted, not so much physically (but believe me I am, after the weekend we had) but emotionally. I've been anchored down by this problem I've been having lately and inventing far too much time into it. She's helping me unravel the mess I've made of myself and slowly I'm taking steps to better myself, and truly love me. When I told her what was going on, and how I felt like I was 5 years old she explained to me that I was having a emotion. That I should diminish it, or apologize for being myself, that because I'm a sensitive soul I feel things more than others do, and that that's a good thing (she always tells me this but today her words stuck a little more). I've been running myself ragged trying to make people like me, or at least see me for me and not what one person has said about me, and she steered me on a path of "do you even like these people? Are they even worth your time? Or are you just so consumed with trying to make everything perfect that you've lost yourself?" It but the nail on the head. Things like what do I want out of this? Does this make ME happy? Will this benefit my life? Came into play. I never looked at any of this that way, but it's true.
When you have people who love you in your life, friends who love you, a warm home, and food you have all you need. For me sometimes I focus on the negative part of my life and stay ther because when I am happy I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop, for something to come along and mess it up. This is because I didn't have the best start at things, and no I'm not blaming how I am on who I was, I'm saying that I've fallen into a habit of thinking and preparing for the worst. Because if I stay prepared or if I focus on it, then I'm ready and can't get hurt, right? In reality I'm robbing myself of my joy. Of my family. Of my life.
So I'm going to try very hard to redirect myself from the things that hurt me, I'm going to take care of myself and stop jumping through hoops to prove myself. If people don't see my good qualities, or want to believe what someone has told them, that's their choice. I won't belittle them, or say mean things in return, I'll send my love and be the best me I can be. I've turned a corner in letting things go, and not exploding. I've become calmer, and proven to myself that I can make it to the otherside, and the people who have been with me every step of the way are my unconditionals, the ones who deserve me. I'm not going to settle for anything less, and I'm going to stand up for me, take my own advice and work on myself. I am stronger than I realized, and with my people I can do anything I set my mind to.
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