I took another step towards being a better me and joined a zumba class. It's perfect for me because I love shakin' what my momma gave me! We were cha chaing till our calves killed, all laughing with each other when one of us couldn't squat, or if we slipped in a puddle of our own sweat! It was freaking hot yesterday, and inside the place wheeee the class was held it felt like the heat was on. Anyway, in walks this cute old couple, who promy sit in these randomly placed couches in the back, I think they're just going to watch but I was greatly mistaken. Those two could move! I hope to god that's Stephen and I when we are older, it was the cutest thing!
So I had a blast. I had to team up with women I didn't know and dance in a circle with them and I just laughed the entire time. Everyone did. It was such a positive experience. The weird part is that this class is only in my town one Thursday a month, and I happened to go on the day it was here (I thought it was every Thursday) and while we were taking a break a beautiful rainbow appeared. I felt
Like it was a sign that I should be doing this. Sometimes I feel selfish if I do something for myself, or unworthy. In light of my self love, growth, change, discovery process I made sure to let that negativity go.
So if you get the chance, and want a fun but intense work out, join zumba. Just don't join my class because I make enough of a fool of myself, ha!
Friday, October 17, 2014
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
Pictures and a plug...
I think even at 31 years old I'm still growing up. Life can hurt, but so does growth and change. It's all part of the process. When things get too hard for me to handle I re-evaluate my life, and I always come to the same conclusion, that my life lies with my loves. If you've read my blog you know that I love photography, that I love telling a story through my pictures, that I want to touch people with a image. Much like my writing, I want people to take away something meaningful from it. I'm not used to being on the other side of the lens, unless you count a quick snap from my tripod as I sprint towards my family to get a shot as quickly as possible before they loose interest (which happens quickly) and that's it. Recently a friend (who's a professional photographer) took a photo shoot of our family, and it has been such a wonderful experience.
In life you are your own worst critic. I am normally someone that could point out my flaws within a milasecond. Whether inside or out. So when she offered to trade her services for Stephen I have to admit I put the shoot off for months, stringing her along because my self esteem relating to my outer appearance is little at best. I didn't want her seeing my imperfections up close and personal, and honestly I didn't want the reminder. But I wanted some beautiful pictures of my family, and I knew she would be the perfect person to do it. I obsessed over what we were going to wear down to the tiniest detail for quite some time, infanct more time than my deeper soul would like to admit to the superficiality of it all.
The day came and I went into it with the expectation that no one would cooperate (my loves do not like their pictures taken) that all I wanted was one picture of all of us and one good one of Stephen and I. She made it fun, she snapped away while miss Chloe was being more than difficult, while Allie ran around and went crazy, she caught it all. She saw my family for what we truly are. I let go of any expectations, and had fun with my family while she snapped away. I've been talking with her throughout the week and we'd go over what she got, there wasn't a doubt in my mind that they'd be wonderful.
When she showed me something she made for us out of the pictures I cried. I cried because of her kindness, because of the Beauty she captured, and because this is my life. Never in a million years would I have imagined my life being this way. Here we were in our own little bubble while a spectator snapped away, and what people on the outside see is no where near how amazing they truly are, but she got it. We had fun, we cuddled, we played, and she got it.
And the big growth for me, the thing I worried so much about, the thing that drags me down sometimes and secretly kills me a little inside, didn't appear. That little ugly girl never popped out at me, I saw a beautiful (yes, I used the word beautiful when describing myself, I think it's a first) mother/wife looking back at me. I saw three gorgeous girls and their phenomenal father playing with them. I saw love, I saw strength, I saw two best friends who created this wonderful life, I saw a amazing glimpse into our lives. I saw how blessed I am, how incredible my life has become.
This woman captured us in all our glory, she is a talent that needs to be discovered. What she did for us will remain forever now, but more so what she did for me, and my confidence can't even be described. She is a gem, and deserves that recognition. I want to say thank you to Miranda for so much more than just pictures, but for showing me my life in a new light. For showing me myself in a new light. Her patients with the girls, her technique, and her capabilities to handle whatever we threw at her (literally and figuratively) will forever be something we are greatful for. Even Stephen who hates (hates again) getting his pictures done teared up at the images and admitted that he was very happy we did this. You can see her work at www.mirandastoddardphotography.blogspot.com and for the love of god contact her, book her now, you won't be dissapointed.
In life you are your own worst critic. I am normally someone that could point out my flaws within a milasecond. Whether inside or out. So when she offered to trade her services for Stephen I have to admit I put the shoot off for months, stringing her along because my self esteem relating to my outer appearance is little at best. I didn't want her seeing my imperfections up close and personal, and honestly I didn't want the reminder. But I wanted some beautiful pictures of my family, and I knew she would be the perfect person to do it. I obsessed over what we were going to wear down to the tiniest detail for quite some time, infanct more time than my deeper soul would like to admit to the superficiality of it all.
The day came and I went into it with the expectation that no one would cooperate (my loves do not like their pictures taken) that all I wanted was one picture of all of us and one good one of Stephen and I. She made it fun, she snapped away while miss Chloe was being more than difficult, while Allie ran around and went crazy, she caught it all. She saw my family for what we truly are. I let go of any expectations, and had fun with my family while she snapped away. I've been talking with her throughout the week and we'd go over what she got, there wasn't a doubt in my mind that they'd be wonderful.
When she showed me something she made for us out of the pictures I cried. I cried because of her kindness, because of the Beauty she captured, and because this is my life. Never in a million years would I have imagined my life being this way. Here we were in our own little bubble while a spectator snapped away, and what people on the outside see is no where near how amazing they truly are, but she got it. We had fun, we cuddled, we played, and she got it.
And the big growth for me, the thing I worried so much about, the thing that drags me down sometimes and secretly kills me a little inside, didn't appear. That little ugly girl never popped out at me, I saw a beautiful (yes, I used the word beautiful when describing myself, I think it's a first) mother/wife looking back at me. I saw three gorgeous girls and their phenomenal father playing with them. I saw love, I saw strength, I saw two best friends who created this wonderful life, I saw a amazing glimpse into our lives. I saw how blessed I am, how incredible my life has become.
This woman captured us in all our glory, she is a talent that needs to be discovered. What she did for us will remain forever now, but more so what she did for me, and my confidence can't even be described. She is a gem, and deserves that recognition. I want to say thank you to Miranda for so much more than just pictures, but for showing me my life in a new light. For showing me myself in a new light. Her patients with the girls, her technique, and her capabilities to handle whatever we threw at her (literally and figuratively) will forever be something we are greatful for. Even Stephen who hates (hates again) getting his pictures done teared up at the images and admitted that he was very happy we did this. You can see her work at www.mirandastoddardphotography.blogspot.com and for the love of god contact her, book her now, you won't be dissapointed.
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Zuccini and the apple
The crinkles under my feet. The wind against my face. The red and gold shower of beauty that falls all around me. These are the best days of autumn, a time where death overcomes to bring forth new life. A time for change, and growth. We harvest, and get ready to hunker down for the colder days. Hot cocoa days, warm blankets days, feety pajama days, my favorite days. Apple crisp warming in the oven, bringing forth the thought that the quote about smells sparking memories the most rings true. Apples are my dad. He loves anything apple, smells and tastes alike. We went to the orchard over the weekend, I know I posted this before but I have left over feelings of joy from it. I took a picture with my dad standing next to apple tree and wondered why we'd never done that while I was growing up. So many of my memories involve working with him in the orchards, or making apple pies.
It's memories like that, that just center around my dad that are a little more sweet. A little more brown sugar, which also makes me think of him. My mom is zuccini and my dad is apple. My parents have transformed into these amazing people right before my eyes. Growing up I never looked at them like they were people, they were just mom and dad, and of course dad knew everything. Now tho I see their vulnerabilities, I see their mistakes, I see them as people. As shocking as this can be we all hit a point in life where we see they aren't perfect. I think I've always seen that because we didn't have a classic "leave it to beaver" life, but after my dad had his heart attack something changed. He was never one to say I love you, and god forbid if he was wrong he never apologized or admitted it. He says I love you now, he says I'm sorry, and he says I'm proud of you. It means a little more coming from him. Not that my mothers opinion doesn't matter, it's just that for him you have to work for it.
I love seeing them together now. They were never lovey dovey, and if you know Stephen and I you know that we over do the lovey stuff, so seeing them come into a new light in their relationship makes my heart sing. They are so in sinc with each other, and I suppose they should be after being together for 25 years. I love seeing them help each other up, and picking on the other for being old. I love seeing them take care of each other, they treat each other preciously and sweetly. It's still a surprise to me to see it, but I can't say how happy it makes me. They've been through absolute hell and back, and showed me you can still come out swinging, so long as your holding hands with the one you love. They are a inspiration to me because they aren't perfect, but their love is. It is the exact example of what is, and always should be. I can't wait to see what Stephen and I will be like 10 years from now, I hope we will always be as lovey.
It's memories like that, that just center around my dad that are a little more sweet. A little more brown sugar, which also makes me think of him. My mom is zuccini and my dad is apple. My parents have transformed into these amazing people right before my eyes. Growing up I never looked at them like they were people, they were just mom and dad, and of course dad knew everything. Now tho I see their vulnerabilities, I see their mistakes, I see them as people. As shocking as this can be we all hit a point in life where we see they aren't perfect. I think I've always seen that because we didn't have a classic "leave it to beaver" life, but after my dad had his heart attack something changed. He was never one to say I love you, and god forbid if he was wrong he never apologized or admitted it. He says I love you now, he says I'm sorry, and he says I'm proud of you. It means a little more coming from him. Not that my mothers opinion doesn't matter, it's just that for him you have to work for it.
I love seeing them together now. They were never lovey dovey, and if you know Stephen and I you know that we over do the lovey stuff, so seeing them come into a new light in their relationship makes my heart sing. They are so in sinc with each other, and I suppose they should be after being together for 25 years. I love seeing them help each other up, and picking on the other for being old. I love seeing them take care of each other, they treat each other preciously and sweetly. It's still a surprise to me to see it, but I can't say how happy it makes me. They've been through absolute hell and back, and showed me you can still come out swinging, so long as your holding hands with the one you love. They are a inspiration to me because they aren't perfect, but their love is. It is the exact example of what is, and always should be. I can't wait to see what Stephen and I will be like 10 years from now, I hope we will always be as lovey.
If it makes you happy...
On my journey to self discovery, and self love I am discovering that I always want to fix things, or to make other people happy. Sierra was crying the other day, and when I asked her why she told me she was upset because at the time everyone around her was grumpy. We were all having a off day, cooped up in the house, and on each others nerves. I said something to her that gave me a epiphany, I said "sweetie that's not possible. You can't make other people happy, it's up to them to make themselves happy. Sure you can do nice things to make them smile, or feel loved, but it's a heavy burden to carry when you try to make them happy. All you can do is be yourself, and be in charge of making yourself happy. If you are so busy trying to make others happy you won't have any time for your own happiness." How true is that? It just came out, and I think it was so easy for me to say because I could see her pain, and truly understand it because I do the same thing. I can't say how many times I tried super hard to make others happy and exhausted myself. So when she said "mommy, you must know a lot about this because I see you try to make all of us happy a lot, maybe you and I should work together on making ourselves happy." It hit me like a ton of bricks, we are one in the same. Always mindful of others, always making sure everyone is comfortable, included, loved, and we go out of our way to do these things so much that we miss out on things for ourselves. She's so conscious of other peoples feelings, it just makes me worry she's going to end up being burnt out. I hope she takes my advice to heart and starts acting a little bit more selfish.
Today after another great talk with the empowering woman (I will refer to her as that) she noticed I was exhausted, not so much physically (but believe me I am, after the weekend we had) but emotionally. I've been anchored down by this problem I've been having lately and inventing far too much time into it. She's helping me unravel the mess I've made of myself and slowly I'm taking steps to better myself, and truly love me. When I told her what was going on, and how I felt like I was 5 years old she explained to me that I was having a emotion. That I should diminish it, or apologize for being myself, that because I'm a sensitive soul I feel things more than others do, and that that's a good thing (she always tells me this but today her words stuck a little more). I've been running myself ragged trying to make people like me, or at least see me for me and not what one person has said about me, and she steered me on a path of "do you even like these people? Are they even worth your time? Or are you just so consumed with trying to make everything perfect that you've lost yourself?" It but the nail on the head. Things like what do I want out of this? Does this make ME happy? Will this benefit my life? Came into play. I never looked at any of this that way, but it's true.
When you have people who love you in your life, friends who love you, a warm home, and food you have all you need. For me sometimes I focus on the negative part of my life and stay ther because when I am happy I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop, for something to come along and mess it up. This is because I didn't have the best start at things, and no I'm not blaming how I am on who I was, I'm saying that I've fallen into a habit of thinking and preparing for the worst. Because if I stay prepared or if I focus on it, then I'm ready and can't get hurt, right? In reality I'm robbing myself of my joy. Of my family. Of my life.
So I'm going to try very hard to redirect myself from the things that hurt me, I'm going to take care of myself and stop jumping through hoops to prove myself. If people don't see my good qualities, or want to believe what someone has told them, that's their choice. I won't belittle them, or say mean things in return, I'll send my love and be the best me I can be. I've turned a corner in letting things go, and not exploding. I've become calmer, and proven to myself that I can make it to the otherside, and the people who have been with me every step of the way are my unconditionals, the ones who deserve me. I'm not going to settle for anything less, and I'm going to stand up for me, take my own advice and work on myself. I am stronger than I realized, and with my people I can do anything I set my mind to.
Today after another great talk with the empowering woman (I will refer to her as that) she noticed I was exhausted, not so much physically (but believe me I am, after the weekend we had) but emotionally. I've been anchored down by this problem I've been having lately and inventing far too much time into it. She's helping me unravel the mess I've made of myself and slowly I'm taking steps to better myself, and truly love me. When I told her what was going on, and how I felt like I was 5 years old she explained to me that I was having a emotion. That I should diminish it, or apologize for being myself, that because I'm a sensitive soul I feel things more than others do, and that that's a good thing (she always tells me this but today her words stuck a little more). I've been running myself ragged trying to make people like me, or at least see me for me and not what one person has said about me, and she steered me on a path of "do you even like these people? Are they even worth your time? Or are you just so consumed with trying to make everything perfect that you've lost yourself?" It but the nail on the head. Things like what do I want out of this? Does this make ME happy? Will this benefit my life? Came into play. I never looked at any of this that way, but it's true.
When you have people who love you in your life, friends who love you, a warm home, and food you have all you need. For me sometimes I focus on the negative part of my life and stay ther because when I am happy I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop, for something to come along and mess it up. This is because I didn't have the best start at things, and no I'm not blaming how I am on who I was, I'm saying that I've fallen into a habit of thinking and preparing for the worst. Because if I stay prepared or if I focus on it, then I'm ready and can't get hurt, right? In reality I'm robbing myself of my joy. Of my family. Of my life.
So I'm going to try very hard to redirect myself from the things that hurt me, I'm going to take care of myself and stop jumping through hoops to prove myself. If people don't see my good qualities, or want to believe what someone has told them, that's their choice. I won't belittle them, or say mean things in return, I'll send my love and be the best me I can be. I've turned a corner in letting things go, and not exploding. I've become calmer, and proven to myself that I can make it to the otherside, and the people who have been with me every step of the way are my unconditionals, the ones who deserve me. I'm not going to settle for anything less, and I'm going to stand up for me, take my own advice and work on myself. I am stronger than I realized, and with my people I can do anything I set my mind to.
Saturday, October 11, 2014
Crazy crazy
There are some people in life that can bring you right back to being a child again. No matter how old you are. For me that's my parents, and any of my aunts, uncles, or cousins. The memories they stir up, and their recollections of the silly things you did always make me smile. My aunt is up visiting from conneticut, and tho our plans were squashed today we got a lot of quality time in, she's always been "the fun one" and always will be. My girls have taken to her like white on rice, and even shy Stephen gets all sorts of cracked up over my loud uncle mark. They're bikers, rowdy, and hilarious! Oh the things they come up with! Never a dull moment.
Today we were supposed to go to a parade and a festival in my town for it's 275th anniversary, it started out raining and cold. Allie had a fever so I dressed all the girls beyond warm, everyone was late. We saw most of it tho, and froze our butts off! Then my sister in law had a emergency so we took all of her 5 kids and waited at my house till she got back so we could enjoy the rest of the celebration. The kids played and we all talked, took a nice walk and found some vendors close by my house where I got the coolest tey dye stuff ever! We ended up missing most of it all, and my parents left. Stephen and the girls and I got characters done of us, which is something I did with my family every year for almost 10 years, they still have it on their wall to this day.
My aunt and uncle came back to our house where we set out to do our second annual pumpkin painting, we had a blast. Then we went out to dinner, and waited for fireworks, well they started them 15 minutes earlier than they were supposed to so we missed a bit of them. We all snuggled up and since it was my uncles birthday, and since he's such a card he kept yelling "happy birthday to me!" Everytime one would go off. We got a lot of looks because of him, but I'm loud too so everyone in my family is used to it. Allie girls fever came back and everyone is super tired.
It's funny how a day can change, even my horoscope warned me that the plans would change and to roll with it. And while I was upset that things didn't go the way they were supposed to, and that once again something better came along and took my place in certain areas, we made the best of it. We had fun, and didn't care what anyone thought of us making such a ruckus. I have to say I love my crazy family, and how right now I feel like I'm 5 again. I love that my girls get a piece of what I had growing up, and I love that they see me this way.
Today we were supposed to go to a parade and a festival in my town for it's 275th anniversary, it started out raining and cold. Allie had a fever so I dressed all the girls beyond warm, everyone was late. We saw most of it tho, and froze our butts off! Then my sister in law had a emergency so we took all of her 5 kids and waited at my house till she got back so we could enjoy the rest of the celebration. The kids played and we all talked, took a nice walk and found some vendors close by my house where I got the coolest tey dye stuff ever! We ended up missing most of it all, and my parents left. Stephen and the girls and I got characters done of us, which is something I did with my family every year for almost 10 years, they still have it on their wall to this day.
My aunt and uncle came back to our house where we set out to do our second annual pumpkin painting, we had a blast. Then we went out to dinner, and waited for fireworks, well they started them 15 minutes earlier than they were supposed to so we missed a bit of them. We all snuggled up and since it was my uncles birthday, and since he's such a card he kept yelling "happy birthday to me!" Everytime one would go off. We got a lot of looks because of him, but I'm loud too so everyone in my family is used to it. Allie girls fever came back and everyone is super tired.
It's funny how a day can change, even my horoscope warned me that the plans would change and to roll with it. And while I was upset that things didn't go the way they were supposed to, and that once again something better came along and took my place in certain areas, we made the best of it. We had fun, and didn't care what anyone thought of us making such a ruckus. I have to say I love my crazy family, and how right now I feel like I'm 5 again. I love that my girls get a piece of what I had growing up, and I love that they see me this way.
Just a little ladybug post
Parenting is hard. We all know that, but the rewards are priceless. Like when something you've been drilling in your kids head finally breaks through. Or when a stranger compliments you on their manners. The best ones are the compliments that come from your kiddos "mom you're the best mom ever" "I hope I'm just like you when I grow up" or the best statement ever "I love you mommy".
My girls are like glue, they stick together. I love their ages, I love the difference in them, and the bond they share. I hope and pray it stays this way. I can't even describe the pride I have when one is hurt or sad and the other consoles them. Or when one is at school and the other waits at the window for the bus to pull up. The love they have for each other is inspiring, they accept each other, and sure they fight but that's how you learn about each other.
I love when they play with each other, especially make believe. When they're playing with little people and pretend a little scenario. They are so dramatic, and shamefully they're usually acting me out in those scenes. But in those scenes the dad loves the mom, they kiss and hug and the kids always say "you do that too much" it's something they've said to is numerous times in real life. Or when they play hide and seek and the second they "know" where the other is but pretend not to just to see the other smile about their triumph in tricking them. When they jump out and yell "boo!" And act all scared it's so sweet.
These moments are precious, they are my favorite. Right now they're all sick, and the way they care for each other just melts my heart. I hope they always find solace in each other, even if that means one day I won't be included in it. I hope they reach out for each other in times of need, and that the other reciprocates in the same way they did when they were playing pretend. They are the true example of real love, and tho they don't know it, they teach me so much about life each day. Yes even the ones where I want to rip my head off.
My girls are like glue, they stick together. I love their ages, I love the difference in them, and the bond they share. I hope and pray it stays this way. I can't even describe the pride I have when one is hurt or sad and the other consoles them. Or when one is at school and the other waits at the window for the bus to pull up. The love they have for each other is inspiring, they accept each other, and sure they fight but that's how you learn about each other.
I love when they play with each other, especially make believe. When they're playing with little people and pretend a little scenario. They are so dramatic, and shamefully they're usually acting me out in those scenes. But in those scenes the dad loves the mom, they kiss and hug and the kids always say "you do that too much" it's something they've said to is numerous times in real life. Or when they play hide and seek and the second they "know" where the other is but pretend not to just to see the other smile about their triumph in tricking them. When they jump out and yell "boo!" And act all scared it's so sweet.
These moments are precious, they are my favorite. Right now they're all sick, and the way they care for each other just melts my heart. I hope they always find solace in each other, even if that means one day I won't be included in it. I hope they reach out for each other in times of need, and that the other reciprocates in the same way they did when they were playing pretend. They are the true example of real love, and tho they don't know it, they teach me so much about life each day. Yes even the ones where I want to rip my head off.
Warrior woman
I'm at the point in my life where we are finished up having babies, I have to admit that when I was pregnant I felt like a warrior woman. Like I was capable of anything, as if I had super human strength. I did have super smell, and super boobs. I felt like a force to be reckoned with. I don't think there has ever been a more powerful experience than when I was pregnant or having a baby, whether vaginally or by ceserean. I felt like I was at the very core of being a woman.
Now I'm searching for that feeling. I'm finding it in little ways by throwing myself into the kids, not that I haven't before but there was always a time where we were either planing to have another, trying, or full into a pregnancy, not to mention breast feeding. The hormonal roller coaster of it all was enough to really make me feel like a woman haha! I nurture my children, I get involved with their school either through the PTO or volunteering in their classes. I do little things like baking them a snack when they get home, helping with homework, or doing a fun craft. These are all the things I wanted as a little girl, all the big dreams I had for myself. I never knew what the aftermath of being a woman who would no longer feel the kick of a babies feet against her ribs would be. It's a hard realization when that's what my life mapped out mostly included. To say I'm missing it would be a understatement, I crave it. I'm lucky enough to have little ones so little that I can still rock them when I please. I find the same feeligs I get when they are cradled in my arms, or when they are in my lap looking at a book with me.
So to sum it up I'm on a path of finding myself, finding my place in this world as a woman. I'm getting to know myself, and always growing up. The cravings I have for the electric glow of carrying a child inside of me are coming out in facets of the girls lives. I am finding a great satisfaction in the new phases and experiences they are having and truly enjoying when we cross into a new one. If you asked me if I would ever get over not being able to carry a child again a year ago I wouldn't have a answer. Sure we wanted to be done, and the freedom that came with getting my tubes tied was a bridge that brought my husband and I closer than ever. But at the end of the day I had to find a way to make myself feel whole, content, and powerful within myself. I'm leaning about myself, just as a person. What I like, who I am, and where I want to be as the years pass on.
I want to be a good, loving mother
I want to be a nurturer
I want to be a loving wife
I want to help others
I want to like what I see in the mirror
I want to be independent
I want to be a good friend
I want to be content
I want to be authentic
I want to show love in all outlets of my life
I have a list in my mind of my goals, of each step along the way to the road of my content life. Most of those stepping stones consist of being a mother and a wife, which is a good thing since I'm a stay at home wife/mother. I am accepting parts of me that I don't like, and trying to better myself. Trying to be calm in situations where I'd usually loose it. I'm trying to be true to myself, and to others. I want to always better my life with Stephen, and our bond together. Through everything this life has thrown us we have made it through, together and stronger than before. It's always when I think it couldn't possibly get better between us that something comes along and shows me that it can.
So I'm on a mission of self discovery, in all avenues of me. So far I've succeeded in most ways it it will always need improvement. And I will always keep trying. We can never stop learning, and loving.
Now I'm searching for that feeling. I'm finding it in little ways by throwing myself into the kids, not that I haven't before but there was always a time where we were either planing to have another, trying, or full into a pregnancy, not to mention breast feeding. The hormonal roller coaster of it all was enough to really make me feel like a woman haha! I nurture my children, I get involved with their school either through the PTO or volunteering in their classes. I do little things like baking them a snack when they get home, helping with homework, or doing a fun craft. These are all the things I wanted as a little girl, all the big dreams I had for myself. I never knew what the aftermath of being a woman who would no longer feel the kick of a babies feet against her ribs would be. It's a hard realization when that's what my life mapped out mostly included. To say I'm missing it would be a understatement, I crave it. I'm lucky enough to have little ones so little that I can still rock them when I please. I find the same feeligs I get when they are cradled in my arms, or when they are in my lap looking at a book with me.
So to sum it up I'm on a path of finding myself, finding my place in this world as a woman. I'm getting to know myself, and always growing up. The cravings I have for the electric glow of carrying a child inside of me are coming out in facets of the girls lives. I am finding a great satisfaction in the new phases and experiences they are having and truly enjoying when we cross into a new one. If you asked me if I would ever get over not being able to carry a child again a year ago I wouldn't have a answer. Sure we wanted to be done, and the freedom that came with getting my tubes tied was a bridge that brought my husband and I closer than ever. But at the end of the day I had to find a way to make myself feel whole, content, and powerful within myself. I'm leaning about myself, just as a person. What I like, who I am, and where I want to be as the years pass on.
I want to be a good, loving mother
I want to be a nurturer
I want to be a loving wife
I want to help others
I want to like what I see in the mirror
I want to be independent
I want to be a good friend
I want to be content
I want to be authentic
I want to show love in all outlets of my life
I have a list in my mind of my goals, of each step along the way to the road of my content life. Most of those stepping stones consist of being a mother and a wife, which is a good thing since I'm a stay at home wife/mother. I am accepting parts of me that I don't like, and trying to better myself. Trying to be calm in situations where I'd usually loose it. I'm trying to be true to myself, and to others. I want to always better my life with Stephen, and our bond together. Through everything this life has thrown us we have made it through, together and stronger than before. It's always when I think it couldn't possibly get better between us that something comes along and shows me that it can.
So I'm on a mission of self discovery, in all avenues of me. So far I've succeeded in most ways it it will always need improvement. And I will always keep trying. We can never stop learning, and loving.
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