Proud

I had a wonderful talk with a empowering woman today. She helped me remember where my heart is. That I am a kind, loving person who deserves love from all others. I encompass empathy like no other and maybe that's why it's easy for me to forgive, easy for me to let things go that others wouldn't. I often hide my feelings or use a  immature way of letting them out, but as I grow and better myself I can see that writing is my outlet. If words cannot be spoken for one reason or another I can release myself into a dribble of non sense that wraps around me like a warm blanket.

My girls often tell me that I'm their hero, and it holds me to a standard of grace and dignity for them. I am proud of myself and of all my accomplishments, and for the first time I have realized that doesn't mean conceit, it's ok to be proud. My photography is another outlet that has been there for me for the past 14 years, it goes hand and hand with my writing. I need it. I recently took some amazing shots that I would otherwise criticize, but I didn't. I did a good job, compared to what I've done in the years before I've come a long way. Stephen who often only sees a picture even saw the beauty in them, I love that they build me up and give me pride when I don't have any. But I love that I'm finding that on my own, that I can now validate myself as well.

I feel like I'm finally finding my way beyond being a mom and wife. I feel like I'm getting to know myself and actually liking what I find there. This is huge for me, I've always had very low self esteem. I'm setting a example of love and forgiveness for myself so that my girls will grow up to be confident, so that they won't doubt themselves at every turn. For once I feel strong, so today I'm truly proud to be me.

And so it goes

And when the road gets long and cold,
Home is where I'll be
When I'm feeling tired and alone,
They are all I see
When I'm broken and used,
Lonely and abused
They lift me up and give me peace,
They shine my light when I can't see
Tired of the days when I try so hard,
Just to be another one to discard
I hope it feels nice to push me down
To laugh and point while I drown
This isn't about me it's in their heart,
To rip me up and tear apart
My love can not be taken away
They turn color from the grey
I'm stronger than anyone knows
Can survive these nasty blows
I wipe the dust and keep going
Won't let my broken heart keep showing
My tears will not fall for this anymore
Soon I will feel it in my core
I delight in my loves embrace
Seeing trueness in their face
I am blessed beyond belief
And right now, that's my relief.

Just a quick tidbit

Today I'm reminded of how beautiful life is. New life coming in, new families created. Hopes, dreams. Life is good. Sometimes I forget how wonderful my life is. I am so blessed. My lovebug will be singing her heart out soon, and I can't wait to see her do it, she's wanted to for so long. I missed being home with them so much, I love that I get to be a bigger part of their lives again and know what's going on with them during their days. Ahhh how I've missed this, how I've needed it! Somedays, somedays, I love being a mother, today is certainly that day ❤️

Dreams

In the window of our world tiny fingers pull the blinds, and tiny hair pulls free in beautiful tendrils. Words are spoken in angelic voices, while the oldest reads winkin, blinkin, and nod. That wooden shoe and the moon are magic, eyes are alight with amazement. Sighs of satisfaction and sleep overcome, as their eyelashes gently kiss their cheeks. Their hair smells of flowers, the softest part of still baby hair. We kiss them away to their dreams, and finally can be free to do as we wish, this is our bedtime. A wonderful routine, and as we often try to make the transition as calmly and peacefully as possible, most nights are not so beautiful.

We savor these nights where our littles lay their sweetness down,  the nights where everything is perfect, because let's face it- life is not perfect. But today, tonight, is perfect. Sundays are by far my favorite day, as I've already stated, and the entire day yesterday was my magic. I'll keep it in my pocket, and pull it out when I forget these moments. I'll blanket myself in it's warmth and comfort, and relax peacefully into it. Because my life is so full of love, and one day when I don't get to witness the beauty and miracle of their dreams fluttering under their eyes because they're up at night watching their babies do the same, I'll treasure it.

Sunday

Sundays are my favorite day. Stephen works a lot, and often times when he gets home he's so tired we go to bed. But Sunday. Glorious Sunday! He has the day off! A day we can fill with giggles, adventure, and a kiss whenever I want one! Sure our business is right next door but I can't snuggle him whenever I want because that would be ackward for both the customers and his workers. So it's Sunday, the dy I wait all week for.

Today I'm supposed to shoot a birth. I'm elated that I was asked to do this, and beyond scared that I will mess it up and miss the great moment. My battery is charged, the memory card is awaiting pictures of a beautiful life gracing this earth with it's presence. I've been researching this and have often had dreams where I missed it. I didn't realize how excited I was until I woke up today with a cold (thank you girls) and thought she may not want me there. The mother is to excited to care and told me as long as I don't slobber on here we'd be fine. So everything's a go! Which means this Sunday will be spent at home, and with me being sick that's just fine with me. I cannot wait to see this little one come into the world, they don't know what it is but I've got a sneaking suspicion...

My littles are giggling away in their room, while daddy gets some much needed rest. The air is crisp and clean with fall just nipping away. I have my coffee, and positive affirmations firing on all cylinders this morning. My fall decorations are making my house seem extra cozy, the candles are constantly lot giving my house a wonderful combination of apples and cinnamon. I'm excited to work on our yearly fall wreath tho the rain might put a damper on that till I can dry the leaves that have already fallen and collected rain droplets amongst the ground. This time of year is my absolute favorite, from now until New Years the feeling of coziness is alive and living happily in my heart.

My dad has always loved this time of year, he baked apple pies, and when I was little he even worked in a apple orchard. I remember him taking his Nikon with him when we'd go for the harvest so he could get a good shot of a apple with few drops on it. I think I have that picture somewhere. He'd play Christmas music, or we'd come home and snuggle watching Christmas movies. I love that the Christmas spirit can get in you so early, but I try to hold off until after thanksgiving for it, not gonna lie tho I may have listened to melekemikiwaka last night. I've been snuggling with the girls watching hocus pocus and icabob and road lately. Fall crafts, and Apple crisp are in our future.

So there it is, a simple Sunday in a nutshell. Life is good, and amidst all of the hard times going around us lately, we get to cocoon ourselves for one day and block it out. Maybe we will even watch some fireworks tonight, to kick off the end of summer and the new beginnings fall brings us, like a clean slate. Just depends on when that little miracle decides to make his/her enterance into the most beautiful time of year.

How I love thee

Things I love about being a mom, a little bit of this and that from my crazy mind put out here for all of you to see.

Tiny fingers wrapped around one of mine. Giggles from the next room, and whispers when I walk in. I love that their bond now includes secrets from me, I will hate this when they are teens but at peat they look out for each other. Baking with them, even when I'm going nuts because they are going too fast and not measuring properly.  Dancing, and spinning in circles, especially when we dress up in our dresses just to watch them twirl around us. Smelling their hair. Checking on them when they're asleep, only to find that one of them is hanging off the bed because the other has taken up all the room (my oldest and middle daughters sleep together 😊) my middle child and I have our "secret telling" on out van rides. My oldest being so sensitive. My youngest running around naked.all.the.time. Quiet coffee breaks in the morning before their feet start slapping the floor. The sound of their feet on the floor. Being able to tell who it is by their foot steps. Watching them learn new things at school. Being a volunteer at their school (no joke I dreamt of this day as a little girl) sneaking kisses when I drop them off and not being offended that they are getting to a age where mom kissing them has become a embarrassment.

Things I love about my husband, and having the honor of not only being his wife, business partner, but also his best friend-

The raw passion we had before we had our ladybugs. The raw passion that still ignites so long as I'm well rested. When he sneaks bacon, or sandwich meat. When he dances with our girls. Holding hands. Always catching me when I fall and being my soft landing point. He's gorgeous. And I love that he doesn't even know it. When he tells me he heard a song that reminded him of me, and plays it for me. The way he teaches our girls to love "boy stuff" and has never complained that he never got a son, he's amazing with the girls. The way he plays dolls, or has tea parties with our girls, or when he has them help make breakfast on Sunday mornings. I love how he watched football and throws his hat at the tv when they do something he thinks he could do better. That he can fix anything. That he has loved me at my absolute worst, and never batted a eye lash at my faults. I love that he's honest with me about my faults. I love that he encourages me, lifts me up, comforts me, and never let's me fail at anything or give up. That he's my biggest fan, and that he will do anything to make me happy. I love how his breath smells after he's drank a glass of juice, and how he reminds me of a little boy when he falls asleep on our couch with his lips parted. I love that he understands my obsession with 3's and has even himself gotten OCD about it. I love how he helps me better myself, and how I want to be better for him. I love how he makes me feel about myself and how I feel like I'm the most beautiful woman in the world when he looks at me.

So there you have it. My family is pretty amazing, and without them I would be anything close to who I am today. They love me unconditionally, tey are my life and I love them more than these simple, few words can ever describe. Now you know a little more about me, hopefully I keep up with this blog because I really enjoy writing, and now I have a little more time and the knowledge that I can post from my phone since we don't have a computer. I may just have problems with posting pics, but I can handle that till we get a new one, and then I'll be able to share my photography 😊